Turkfic: The
by Audrey
Summary: A parody: On October 1997, three Shinra Turks disappeared in the woods near Nibelheim while shooting (or trying to shoot) an annoying spikey-haired blonde guy and his posse.


**The 'Cloud's a Freaking Idiot' Project.**

**a.ka. Turkfic**

_In October 1997, three Shinra Turks disappeared in the woods near Nibelheim while shooting (or trying to shoot) an annoying spikey-haired blonde guy and his posse._

_One year later, their footage was found.  
  
_

_(camera turns on waveringly, you hear Elena's voice in the background) _

Interview 1:

Elena: We are now in Nibelheim, home to the bloody horror that made Cloud. (camera switches to innocent looking resident).

I.L.R.: Yah, I remember. My grandma used to tell me that if I didn't get to sleep early and prowled around the house, that I would turn into Cloud, and my hair would frizz out, and I'd have slutty girls with big racks swooning all over me. It didn't work. 

Elena: (blinks) Ok....

(camera switches to yet another innocent looking resident, this time female)

Elena: Tell me about this "Cloud".

I.L.R.2: Oh, yes, I remember hearing stories about this Cloud. Legend has it that he would kidnap about 7 gullible fighters on a wild goose chase, then group them, three by three. No matter what enemy they were facing, it was always three by three. He said he couldn't stand having people around him when he was near Tifa or Aeris, but he was also scared to be alone with a girl, so three was a perfect balance for him. The sick b*stard. (shudders)

Rude: ...

Elena: Riiiight. 

(Yah. Another I.L.R. Except...he looks familiar...)

I.L.R.3: (carrying small child) Yah, I know that spiky headed dude. He one stupid ass foo. I say he killed Aeris. Him and that Sephiroth together. (growls, shakes gun arm). Damn Shinra. 

Elena: Hey!

Rude: (whispers to Elena) ...

I.L.R.3: What? I say somethin'?

Elena: Um...no...uh...he was just err...pinching my ass. (points to Reno, who looks up, confused.)

Reno: Huh? No I didn't...but can I?

Elena: (glares)

I.L.R.3: (blinks, then continues) Anyways, this damn Soldier blondie, he goes and brings us AVALANCHE (raises gun arm in salute) into it to get the black materia from this Sephiroth fella, then-

Marlene: (in Barrett's arms, slaps at his mouth) No! No! No!

I.L.R.3: Shush honey, daddy's tellin' a story. Anyways, he done gave-

Marlene: (same thing) No! No!

I.L.R.3: -gave the materia back to Sephiroth! 

Marlene: (starts crying) Nooooooo! Waaaaaah!

I.L.R.3: @%#&$! Stop cryin' baby, c'mon. It's just a story. $#!@$!!! Damn Shinra...

Reno: Hey!

Elena: (whacks Reno) Don't blow our cover! 

Reno: Yelp!

Rude: ...

(Camera off, roll blank tape)

(Camera back on, they seem to be walking up to a trailer/house...)

Elena: Yah...uh...we're here at the home of a certain "Old Lady Shera".... How the hell do you open this door...whoa! The roof disappears when you enter the house! Weird!

Shera: Hello? Would you like some tea?

Reno : She doesn't look too old to me. Looks perty darn hot for an 'old lady' type.

Rude: ...

Elena: Yes, no tea please, but ... um....Ms. Shera?

Shera: Yes?

Elena : Hi, we're making a documentary for err...Arnihs. Yah...Arnihs, and uh.. we've heard rumors that you've got information that we seek and we'd like you to tell us what you know about this 'Cloud'.

Shera: Oh, yes, I seen him, well, I was with my um...roommate the Captain, and he left for and while, and um....well, I sat down in the house, and all of a sudden, I felt something behind me, and when I turned around, there was like...this...this...man....and he had...like, yellow hair...all over his head. (motions elaborately to her head)

Reno: (sarcastically) Wow, really? All over his head?

Shera: Yes. All over his head.

Rude: (pats head) grumblegrumble....

Shera: And then...he...he...opened up the door, and...you could see he was a man...but just barely....but you could kind of tell...and ...and.....

(cut camera)

Elena: Think she was telling the truth?

Reno: I wasn't even listening. I was staring at her rack.

Rude: ...

Reno: Let's go drinking.

Elena: Yes, let's!

*all drink whisky in front of camera noisily*

(cut camera)

(_They are at the stage in the Golden Saucer, Elena is in front of the camera with a book in her hand.)_

Elena: (in a creepy voice) This is the site where the mysterious "Idiot Blonde Guy" took his victims to seduce, then ruin. It is said that he took a girl on a date in this very theater. It is also said that he actually believed his own lies. 

Reno: *shudders behind camera*

Rude: ...

Elena: Sometimes....it is hard to separate fact from fiction. But at least we don't believe ourselves when we lie, eh? Eh? *snickers derisively*

Guy in dragon suit: Hey! This is a play!

Guy dressed up as King: Yeah! Get outta here!

(cut camera) 

(_They are in a buggy, just getting out.)_

Elena: *trying to get her backpack on* Freek!

Reno: Frick?

Rude: Frig.

Mysterious dark man with firelizard: Freak.

Turks: Aieeeeee! It's the Idiot Blonde Guy's companion! *take off running*

Vincent: *blinkblink*

Freak: burp.

(cut camera)

Elena: I don't know where the map is.

Rude: ...?

Elena: I said I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE MAP IS.

Rude: ...?

Elena: It was in my pocket last night, and now it's gone. I don't know what could have happened. It's gone.

Reno: (drunk) Yeeeeeehehehehehehehehe. 

Rude: ...?

Reno: I threw away the stupid map! It was useless!

Elena: *knocks Reno out* Ass.

Rude: What map?

(cut camera)

Elena: Whoaaa....look, there's like, materia stacked in the floor and rods up in the trees. I wonder what this means.

Reno: * (drunk) runs into the tree, knocking materia/rods over* Oops.

Elena: Eee! Don't do that! Don't do that! You don't know what might happen! *restores materia/rods to tree*

Rude: ...

Cid: *pops in, holds up a big sign that says 'This is a clue.* and scrawled underneath in messy handwriting 'Now give me money'*

(cut camera)

_(In Battle Center type place in Golden Saucer)_

Elena: Whoa....

(_There are strange humongous buster swords nobody should be able to lift hanging from the ceiling)_

Reno: This is f*ckin' crazy, man....

Rude: There's no way I.B. Guy could lift that, there's no way....

Reno: Let's get out of here...I'm scared. 

Random Man: What? You scared of me? Scared to battle me?

Reno: *whacks man over the head with nightstick, knocks him out* Shut up, buttmunch.

Rude: Let's go, Elena, let's go.

Reno: Elena, please, I'm scared!

Elena: *still taping* Alright, alright, hold on....

(cut camera)

Elena: (crying in haunted hotel type place) What's that? What's that sound?

Rude: It's a deer.

Elena: A deer? In the middle of a freakin' hotel?

Rude: ...

Reno: (whimpering) I'm not coming ooooout. It's scaaaaary. Waaaaah. It's a deeeeer. Waaaah.

Elena: Omigosh it's people crying! It's people crying! Omigosh, it sounds like two women crying! There's a sissy-poo-poo's voice....and...and....some busty slut's voice....omigosh....

Reno: (still whimpering) It is not!!! It's a deer!!! AAACK!

Elena: (screaming, hysterical) Omigosh! Omigosh! It's.....his victims! It's...Tifa and Aeris! 

_(room collapses, weirdly, enter Tifa and Aeris)_

Tifa: Look at my rack.

Aeris: I'm a flower girl from the slums. Uh-he-he.

Turks: AAAAAAAAAAAH! *run out of the hotel screaming*

(cut camera)

(_It is morning... they return to room)_

Elena: (whispering, terrified) I don't know what happened...I don't know what happened...

Reno: WHY ARE YOU STILL HOLDING UP THAT CAMERA? *hiccup* Aww, who cares. I need another drink...

Rude: My sh*t is thrown everywhere....There's....blue hairgel on my stuff. Why is there only blue hairgel on /my/ stuff? 

Elena: It must be the hairgel for the I.B. Guy's spikes....

Rude: Why's it only on /my/ sh*t?

Reno: *giggles frivolously* eehee. You have blue sh*t? Eehee. Geez man, what're you eating?

Rude: ...

(cut camera) 

(_At night, in ruined hotel room)_

Reno: I'm sorry I yelled at you, Elena.

Elena: You yelled at me?

Rude: ...

Reno: We're out of alcohol. *sniffs* I want a whiskey.

Elena: I want a brandy.

Rude: I want a drink.

Turks: Yeah....

(cut camera)

(_the next morning...)_

Elena: (crying) I don't know where he is. He was here last night. 

Reno: Don't worry, Rude will come back.

Elena/Reno: *run around* Ruuuuuude? Ruuuuude?

Other hotel guest: Yah, ya sure are rude, ya idiots, running around yelling. Gosh. And then have the indecency to ask about it. Damn Shinra.

Reno: Hey!

O.H.G.: What?

Reno: *points at Elena* She was pinching my ass.

(cut camera)

(_night....dundunduuuuuuuuun)_

Elena: OMIGOD! OMIGOD! HE'S SCREAMING! IT'S RUDE! I CAN HEAR HIM!

Reno: (sleepily) Did he bring booze?

Elena: It...stopped. I can't hear him...

Reno: Damn. No booze. 

(cut camera)

(_morning, again.)_

Elena: Hey Reno, hehe. I found something funny.

Reno: Wah? Booze?

Elena: *smacks him* Rude's sunglasses. Bloody.

Reno: Heh. That's funny.

Elena: Oh yah, and I think there's a tooth or an intestine in there.

Reno: Hunh. How about that. *scratches head*

Elena: Yup.

Both: *yawn*

(cut camera)

Reno: (teary, snotty) I just wanna say....sniffsniff....that I'm sorry....and that this is all my fault, and that I love you mom, and that....sniffsniff, I'm so scaaaared. I'm soooo sooo scaaaare- Wah? Hey, get off me...what the....

Elena: *whacks him* That's /my/ part, you asshole! 

Reno: Why do yooou get all the dramatic parts? I want something interesting to do. *grabs camera back* I'm sooo scared. sniffsniff. Soooooooo scared. Scared. So. Scared. Look at my snot. My snot is sooooo scaared. Scared. Sooooooo.....

(cut camera)

(_night, again. dundunduuuuuuun, again)_

Rude's voice in distance: ......

Elena: *runs out* TELL ME WHERE YOU ARE, RUDE! TELL ME WHERE YOU ARE!!!!

Reno: DID YOU BRING BOOZE RUDE? TELL ME IF YOU BROUGHT BOOZE!!!

Elena/Reno: *run into the gondola thingy, door slams shut* 

Reno: *looks around* Dude. This movie o' yours is gonna suck. A gondola? Psh. Some sort of suspense. It's tiny. I mean, what could be hiding in a tiny little cabin thing? A haunted house would be better, I mean...

Elena: *stares in horror at bloody handprints and lipstick marks on the wall* Omigod...this is the place...

Reno: ...you should've shot it in the forest, at least. We're in a happy shiny amusement park, how scary is- wah?

Elena: (hushed) This is the place the I.B. Guy brought his victims....

Reno/Elena: *start running into walls randomly* AAACK! AAAAK! AAACK! 

_(suddenly, the door opens, a spiky headed shadow approaches...)_

Reno: Wait....aren't I safe? Unless he goes for guy- AAAAH!

Nefarious voice: (to Reno) Did I mention I look stunning in a dress?

Elena: Reno? RENO! RENO WHERE ARE Y-AAAAAAAAAAAAH! 

(_camera faces lipstick smeared wall of gondola, turns off, pitch black)_

END TAPE

all ideas expressed are those of audrey. flames/comments can be directed to [sordidstoy@yahoo.com][1]. or visit http://www.sordidstory.cjb.net

   [1]: mailto:sordidstoy@yahoo.com



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